06-01-简·爱 [76]
weakness．
Gradually our life at Moor House lost its holiday feeling，and as we took up our usual habits and regular studies again，St John sat with us more often．Sometimes I had the impression he was observing us．One day，when Diana and Mary were out and I was learning German，he suddenly said to me，'I want you to learn Hindustani instead of German．I'll need it for my missionary work in India，and you could help me to learn it by studying with me．I've chosen you because I've noticed you have better powers of concentration than either of my sisters．'It seemed so important to him that I could not refuse，and when his sisters returned，they were surprised to find me learning Hindustani with St John．
From now on we spent a lot of time together，studying．I had to work very hard to satisfy him．Under his influence，however，I felt I was losing my freedom to be myself．I could no longer talk or laugh freely，as I knew he only approved of serious moods and studies．I fell under his freezing spell，obeying all his commands without thinking．
One evening，at bedtime，as he kissed his sisters good night，and was holding out his hand to shake mine，as usual，Diana said，laughing，'St John！You aren't treating Jane like one of the family！You should kiss her too．'I was rather embarrassed，but St John calmly kissed me，and did so every evening after that．
I had not forgotten Mr Rochester in all these changes of home and fortune．His name was written on my heart，and would stay there as long as I lived．Not only had I written to ask Mr Briggs more about him，I had also written twice to Mrs Fairfax．But after I had waited in vain for six months，I lost hope，and felt low indeed．Diana said I looked ill，and needed a holiday at the seaside，but St John thought I ought to concentrate on more serious work，and gave me even more Hindustani exercises to do．
One day，while he and I were walking on the moors，he announced，'Jane，I'll be leaving in six weeks．'
'You're doing God's work．He'll protect you，'I replied．
'Yes，it seems strange to me that all my friends don't want to join me．God offers a place in heaven to all who serve Him．What does your heart say to that，Jane？'
'My heart is silent—my heart is silent，'I murmured．
'Then I must speak for it，'said the deep，stern voice．'Jane，come with me to India as a missionary！'
Was it a call from God？I felt as if I was under a terrible spell，and I trembled，afraid that I might not be able to escape．
'Oh St John，don't choose me！'I begged．But it was useless appealing to a man who always did what he believed to be his duty，however unpleasant it was．
'God intended you to be a missionary's wife，'he continued．'Trust in Him，Jane．Marry me，for the service of God．'
'I can't do it，St John，I'm not strong enough！'I cried．The iron bars of a cage seemed to be closing in around me．
'I've seen how hard you can work，Jane．You will be a great help to me with Indian women，and in Indian schools．'
I thought，' Yes，I could do that．But I know that he doesn't love me， and despite that， he asks me to marry him！'So I said，
'I'm ready to go with you to India，but as a sister， not as a wife．'
He shook his head．'You must see that's impossible． No， a sister could marry at any time， and leave me．I need a wife，who will obey me in life， and who will stay with me until death．'
I trembled as I felt his power over me already．'I'll give my heart to Good，'I said．'You don't want it．'As I looked at his stern face， I knew I could go anywhere in the world with him as a colleague， but I could never lose my freedom by marrying him．
'I'll ask you again in a few days'time， he said，'and remember， it isn't me you're refusing， but God！'
From then on his manner towards me was as cold as ice，which caused me great pain
Gradually our life at Moor House lost its holiday feeling，and as we took up our usual habits and regular studies again，St John sat with us more often．Sometimes I had the impression he was observing us．One day，when Diana and Mary were out and I was learning German，he suddenly said to me，'I want you to learn Hindustani instead of German．I'll need it for my missionary work in India，and you could help me to learn it by studying with me．I've chosen you because I've noticed you have better powers of concentration than either of my sisters．'It seemed so important to him that I could not refuse，and when his sisters returned，they were surprised to find me learning Hindustani with St John．
From now on we spent a lot of time together，studying．I had to work very hard to satisfy him．Under his influence，however，I felt I was losing my freedom to be myself．I could no longer talk or laugh freely，as I knew he only approved of serious moods and studies．I fell under his freezing spell，obeying all his commands without thinking．
One evening，at bedtime，as he kissed his sisters good night，and was holding out his hand to shake mine，as usual，Diana said，laughing，'St John！You aren't treating Jane like one of the family！You should kiss her too．'I was rather embarrassed，but St John calmly kissed me，and did so every evening after that．
I had not forgotten Mr Rochester in all these changes of home and fortune．His name was written on my heart，and would stay there as long as I lived．Not only had I written to ask Mr Briggs more about him，I had also written twice to Mrs Fairfax．But after I had waited in vain for six months，I lost hope，and felt low indeed．Diana said I looked ill，and needed a holiday at the seaside，but St John thought I ought to concentrate on more serious work，and gave me even more Hindustani exercises to do．
One day，while he and I were walking on the moors，he announced，'Jane，I'll be leaving in six weeks．'
'You're doing God's work．He'll protect you，'I replied．
'Yes，it seems strange to me that all my friends don't want to join me．God offers a place in heaven to all who serve Him．What does your heart say to that，Jane？'
'My heart is silent—my heart is silent，'I murmured．
'Then I must speak for it，'said the deep，stern voice．'Jane，come with me to India as a missionary！'
Was it a call from God？I felt as if I was under a terrible spell，and I trembled，afraid that I might not be able to escape．
'Oh St John，don't choose me！'I begged．But it was useless appealing to a man who always did what he believed to be his duty，however unpleasant it was．
'God intended you to be a missionary's wife，'he continued．'Trust in Him，Jane．Marry me，for the service of God．'
'I can't do it，St John，I'm not strong enough！'I cried．The iron bars of a cage seemed to be closing in around me．
'I've seen how hard you can work，Jane．You will be a great help to me with Indian women，and in Indian schools．'
I thought，' Yes，I could do that．But I know that he doesn't love me， and despite that， he asks me to marry him！'So I said，
'I'm ready to go with you to India，but as a sister， not as a wife．'
He shook his head．'You must see that's impossible． No， a sister could marry at any time， and leave me．I need a wife，who will obey me in life， and who will stay with me until death．'
I trembled as I felt his power over me already．'I'll give my heart to Good，'I said．'You don't want it．'As I looked at his stern face， I knew I could go anywhere in the world with him as a colleague， but I could never lose my freedom by marrying him．
'I'll ask you again in a few days'time， he said，'and remember， it isn't me you're refusing， but God！'
From then on his manner towards me was as cold as ice，which caused me great pain