06-01-简·爱 [59]
Hall，where nobody knew that we were married． She has lived here ever since． Even Mrs Fairfax and the servants don't know the whole truth about her． But although I pay Grace Poole well，and trust her absolutely，she sometimes drinks too much and allows the creature to escape．Twice she has got out of her room at night，as you know．The first time she nearly burnt me in my bed，and the second time she visited you， and must have been reminded of her own wedding day by seeing your wedding dress．'
'And what did you do，sir，when you had brought her here？'
'I travelled all over Europe，Jane．I was looking for a good and intelligent woman to love—'
'But you couldn't marry，sir，' I interrupted．
'I believed I could．I thought I might find some reasonable woman who would understand my case and accept me．'
'Well， sir， did you？'
'Not in Europe，Jane，where I spent ten long years looking for an ideal．I tried taking mistresses，like Celine，the French dancer．But finally，bitter and disappointed with my wasted life，I returned to Thornfield on a frosty winter afternoon．And when my horse slipped and fell on the ice，a little figure appeared and insisted on helping me．In the weeks that followed，I began to depend on that bird－like little figure for my happiness and new interest in life．'
'Don't talk any more of the past，sir，' I said，wiping a secret tear from my eyes．
'No，Jane，you're right，the future is much brighter．You understand now，don't you？I've wasted half my life in misery and loneliness，but now I've found you．You are at the centre of my heart．It was stupid of me to try to marry you like that without explaining．I should have confessed everything，as I do now，and appealed to your great generosity of spirit．I promise to love you and stay with you for ever．Jane，promise me the same．'
A pause．'Why are you silent，Jane？'
This was a terrible moment for me．In the struggle and confusion that was going on in my heart I knew that he loved me and I loved him，but I also knew that I must leave him！
'Jane，just promise me，“I will be yours．”'
'Mr Rochester，I will not be yours．'Another pause．
'Jane，'he said，with a gentleness that cut into my soul，'Jane，do you intend us to live apart for ever？'
'I do．' 'Jane，'（bending towards me and kissing me）'is that still your intention？'
'It is，'I replied，pulling away from him．
'Oh Jane，this is a bitter shock．It would not be wicked to love me．'
'It would be wicked to do what you want．'
'Jane，just imagine my horrible life when you have gone．I shall be alone with that mad woman upstairs．Where shall I find friendship，and hope？'
'You can only trust in God and yourself．Live without doing wrong，and die hoping to go to heaven．'
'That's impossible without you！And…and you have no family to offend by living with me！'He was beginning to sound desperate．I knew that what he said was true．However，in my heart I also knew I was right to leave．
He seemed to read my thoughts．Rushing furiously across the room，he seized me violently and stared fiercely into my eyes．He could have broken me in two with one hand，but he could not break my spirit．Small and weak as I was，I stared firmly back at him．
'Your eyes，Jane，'he said，'are the eyes of a bird， a free，wild being：Even if I break your cage，I can't reach you，beautiful creature！You'll fly away from me．But you could choose to fly to me！Come，Jane，come！'He let me go，and only looked at me．How hard it was to resist that look！
'I am going，'I said．
'Does my deep love mean nothing to you？Oh Jane，my hope…my love…my life！'And be threw himself despairingly on the sofa．I had reached the door，but I could not leave．I walked back，bent over him，and kissed his cheek．
'Goodbye
'And what did you do，sir，when you had brought her here？'
'I travelled all over Europe，Jane．I was looking for a good and intelligent woman to love—'
'But you couldn't marry，sir，' I interrupted．
'I believed I could．I thought I might find some reasonable woman who would understand my case and accept me．'
'Well， sir， did you？'
'Not in Europe，Jane，where I spent ten long years looking for an ideal．I tried taking mistresses，like Celine，the French dancer．But finally，bitter and disappointed with my wasted life，I returned to Thornfield on a frosty winter afternoon．And when my horse slipped and fell on the ice，a little figure appeared and insisted on helping me．In the weeks that followed，I began to depend on that bird－like little figure for my happiness and new interest in life．'
'Don't talk any more of the past，sir，' I said，wiping a secret tear from my eyes．
'No，Jane，you're right，the future is much brighter．You understand now，don't you？I've wasted half my life in misery and loneliness，but now I've found you．You are at the centre of my heart．It was stupid of me to try to marry you like that without explaining．I should have confessed everything，as I do now，and appealed to your great generosity of spirit．I promise to love you and stay with you for ever．Jane，promise me the same．'
A pause．'Why are you silent，Jane？'
This was a terrible moment for me．In the struggle and confusion that was going on in my heart I knew that he loved me and I loved him，but I also knew that I must leave him！
'Jane，just promise me，“I will be yours．”'
'Mr Rochester，I will not be yours．'Another pause．
'Jane，'he said，with a gentleness that cut into my soul，'Jane，do you intend us to live apart for ever？'
'I do．' 'Jane，'（bending towards me and kissing me）'is that still your intention？'
'It is，'I replied，pulling away from him．
'Oh Jane，this is a bitter shock．It would not be wicked to love me．'
'It would be wicked to do what you want．'
'Jane，just imagine my horrible life when you have gone．I shall be alone with that mad woman upstairs．Where shall I find friendship，and hope？'
'You can only trust in God and yourself．Live without doing wrong，and die hoping to go to heaven．'
'That's impossible without you！And…and you have no family to offend by living with me！'He was beginning to sound desperate．I knew that what he said was true．However，in my heart I also knew I was right to leave．
He seemed to read my thoughts．Rushing furiously across the room，he seized me violently and stared fiercely into my eyes．He could have broken me in two with one hand，but he could not break my spirit．Small and weak as I was，I stared firmly back at him．
'Your eyes，Jane，'he said，'are the eyes of a bird， a free，wild being：Even if I break your cage，I can't reach you，beautiful creature！You'll fly away from me．But you could choose to fly to me！Come，Jane，come！'He let me go，and only looked at me．How hard it was to resist that look！
'I am going，'I said．
'Does my deep love mean nothing to you？Oh Jane，my hope…my love…my life！'And be threw himself despairingly on the sofa．I had reached the door，but I could not leave．I walked back，bent over him，and kissed his cheek．
'Goodbye