06-04-苔丝 [61]
．Oh，then I ought to have done it last night．But I didn't have the courage．That's just like me！’
‘The courage to do what？’he asked．
‘To put an end to myself．’
‘Where？’
‘In the bedroom，under your mistletoe．With the rope from my box．But I couldn't in the end！I was afraid that people would talk and you would suffer from that．’
Clare was shaken by this unexpected confession．
‘Now，listen．You must never think of such a wicked thing again．Promise me as your husband never to do anything like that．’
‘I promise．I see it was wicked．But，Angel，it was to set you free，and to avoid a divorce，which everyone would talk about．But dying by my own hand is too good for me．You，my husband，should kill me．I think I would love you more，if that were possible，if you could bring yourself to do it．I am so much in your way！’
‘Quiet！Don't talk about it．’
‘Well，just as you wish．I will do whatever you like．’They sat down to breakfast，tired and sad．They did not look at each other and they did not eat much．Angel left soon afterwards to start his studies at the flour－mill nearby．Tess cleared the ashes from the fireplace，cleaned the house and prepared the lunch，waiting for his return．At lunch they talked politely of work at the flour－mill and methods of milling．In the afternoon he went back to the mill，and in the evening he studied his books and papers．Tess felt she was in his way and went to the kitchen．He came to find her there．
‘Don't work in the kitchen like this，’he said．‘You're not my servant，you're my wife．’
She looked happier．‘You mean，I can think of myself as that？’She asked，trembling．
‘What do you mean，Tess？You are my wife，of course．’
‘I don't know，she said，with tears in her eyes．‘I told you long ago I wasn't good enough for you．And I'm not good enough！I was right！But you persuaded me！’
She turned her back on him，sobbing as if her heart would break．It would have won round any man but Angel Clare．Deep in him lay a hard logic，which had resisted the Church，and now resisted Tess．She accepted his treatment of her as being what she deserved．She would never have thought of criticizing his hardness．To her he was still perfection．
Another day passed by in the same way．Only once did Tess try to get closer to her husband．As he was leaving for the flour－mill，she put up her mouth to be kissed．He ignored the invitation，and said goodbye coldly．She felt as if he had hit her．How often had he wanted to kiss her in those happy days at Talbothays！
But on his way to the mill Angel regretted his coldness．He wished he had been kinder to her and kissed her once at least．
So they lived through another day-together in the same house，but more separately than ever before．Clare was desperately wondering what to do．Tess no longer even hoped for forgiveness．That evening she said bravely：
‘I suppose you aren't going to live with me long，are you，Angel？’She found it difficult to control the muscles of her face．
‘No．How can we live together as man and wife while that man lives？He is your natural husband，I'm not．If he were dead，that might be different．Anyway，have you thought of the future？have you thought we might have children？They would find out about this．Everybody would talk about it．Can you imagine them growing up under a cloud like that？They would hate you for it．’
Tess's head was bent．Her eyes felt so heavy they were almost closed．‘No，I can't ask you to stay with me，’she whispered．‘I hadn't thought of it like that．’
She had hoped，as women do，that living together for a time would break down his coldness．Being near him every day was her only hope of winning him back．But she had never imagined she might have children who
‘The courage to do what？’he asked．
‘To put an end to myself．’
‘Where？’
‘In the bedroom，under your mistletoe．With the rope from my box．But I couldn't in the end！I was afraid that people would talk and you would suffer from that．’
Clare was shaken by this unexpected confession．
‘Now，listen．You must never think of such a wicked thing again．Promise me as your husband never to do anything like that．’
‘I promise．I see it was wicked．But，Angel，it was to set you free，and to avoid a divorce，which everyone would talk about．But dying by my own hand is too good for me．You，my husband，should kill me．I think I would love you more，if that were possible，if you could bring yourself to do it．I am so much in your way！’
‘Quiet！Don't talk about it．’
‘Well，just as you wish．I will do whatever you like．’They sat down to breakfast，tired and sad．They did not look at each other and they did not eat much．Angel left soon afterwards to start his studies at the flour－mill nearby．Tess cleared the ashes from the fireplace，cleaned the house and prepared the lunch，waiting for his return．At lunch they talked politely of work at the flour－mill and methods of milling．In the afternoon he went back to the mill，and in the evening he studied his books and papers．Tess felt she was in his way and went to the kitchen．He came to find her there．
‘Don't work in the kitchen like this，’he said．‘You're not my servant，you're my wife．’
She looked happier．‘You mean，I can think of myself as that？’She asked，trembling．
‘What do you mean，Tess？You are my wife，of course．’
‘I don't know，she said，with tears in her eyes．‘I told you long ago I wasn't good enough for you．And I'm not good enough！I was right！But you persuaded me！’
She turned her back on him，sobbing as if her heart would break．It would have won round any man but Angel Clare．Deep in him lay a hard logic，which had resisted the Church，and now resisted Tess．She accepted his treatment of her as being what she deserved．She would never have thought of criticizing his hardness．To her he was still perfection．
Another day passed by in the same way．Only once did Tess try to get closer to her husband．As he was leaving for the flour－mill，she put up her mouth to be kissed．He ignored the invitation，and said goodbye coldly．She felt as if he had hit her．How often had he wanted to kiss her in those happy days at Talbothays！
But on his way to the mill Angel regretted his coldness．He wished he had been kinder to her and kissed her once at least．
So they lived through another day-together in the same house，but more separately than ever before．Clare was desperately wondering what to do．Tess no longer even hoped for forgiveness．That evening she said bravely：
‘I suppose you aren't going to live with me long，are you，Angel？’She found it difficult to control the muscles of her face．
‘No．How can we live together as man and wife while that man lives？He is your natural husband，I'm not．If he were dead，that might be different．Anyway，have you thought of the future？have you thought we might have children？They would find out about this．Everybody would talk about it．Can you imagine them growing up under a cloud like that？They would hate you for it．’
Tess's head was bent．Her eyes felt so heavy they were almost closed．‘No，I can't ask you to stay with me，’she whispered．‘I hadn't thought of it like that．’
She had hoped，as women do，that living together for a time would break down his coldness．Being near him every day was her only hope of winning him back．But she had never imagined she might have children who