Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys [55]
‘Which of them was that?’
Because I knew that there were strange people in the house. When I took the keys and went into the passage I heard them laughing and talking in the distance, like birds, and there were lights on the floor beneath.
Turning a corner I saw a girl coming out of her bedroom. She wore a white dress and she was humming to herself. I flattened myself against the wall for I did not wish her to see me, but she stopped and looked around. She saw nothing but shadows, I took care of that, but she didn’t walk to the head of the stairs. She ran. She met another girl and the second girl said, ‘Have you seen a ghost?’ – ‘I didn’t see anything but I thought I felt something.’ – ‘That is the ghost,’ the second one said and they went down the stairs together.
‘Which of these people came to see me, Grace Poole?’ I said.
He didn’t come. Even if I was asleep I would have known. He hasn’t come yet. She said, ‘It’s my belief that you remember much more than you pretend to remember. Why did you behave like that when I had promised you would be quiet and sensible? I’ll never try and do you a good turn again. Your brother came to see you.’
‘I have no brother.’
A long long way my mind reached back.
‘Was his name Richard?’
‘He didn’t tell me what his name was.’
‘I know him,’ I said, and jumped out of bed. ‘It’s all here, it’s all here, but I hid it from your beastly eyes as I hide everything. But where is it? Where did I hide it? The sole of my shoes? Underneath the mattress? On top of the press? In the pocket of my red dress? Where, where is this letter? It was short because I remembered that Richard did not like long letters. Dear Richard please take me away from this place where I am dying because it is so cold and dark.’
Mrs Poole said, ‘It’s no use running around and looking now. He’s gone and he won’t come back – nor would I in his place.’
I said, ‘I can’t remember what happened. I can’t remember.’
‘When he came in,’ said Grace Poole, ‘he didn’t recognize you.’
‘Will you light the fire,’ I said, ‘because I’m so cold.’
‘This gentleman arrived suddenly and insisted on seeing you and that was all the thanks he got. You rushed at him with a knife and when he got the knife away you bit his arm. You won’t see him again. And where did you get that knife? I told them you stole it from me but I’m much too careful. I’m used to your sort. You got no knife from me. You must have bought it that day when I took you out. I told Mrs Eff you ought to be taken out.’
‘When we went to England,’ I said.
‘You fool,’ she said, ‘this is England.’
‘I don’t believe it.’ I said, ‘and I never will believe it.’
(That afternoon we went to England. There was grass and olive-green water and tall trees looking into the water. This, I thought, is England. If I could be there could be well again and the sound in my head would stop. Let me stay a little longer, I said, and she sat down under a tree and went to sleep. A little way off there was a cart and horse – a woman was driving it. It was she who sold me the knife. I gave her the locket round my neck for it.)
Grace Poole said, ‘So you don’t remember that you attacked this gentleman with a knife? I said that you would be quiet. “I must speak to her,” he said. Oh he was warned but he wouldn’t listen. I was in the room but I didn’t hear all he said except “I cannot interfere legally between yourself and your husband”. It was when he said “legally” that you flew at him and when he twisted the knife out of your hand you bit him. Do you mean to say that you don’t remember any of this?’
I remember now that he did not recognize me. I saw him look at me and his eyes went first to one corner and then to another, not finding what they expected. He looked at me and spoke to me as though I were a stranger. What do you do when something happens to you like that? Why are you laughing at me? ‘Have you hidden my red dress too? If I’d been wearing that he’d have known me.’
‘Nobody’s hidden your dress,’ she said. ‘It’s hanging in the press.’
She looked at me and said, ‘I don’t believe you know how long you