Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys [10]
Then, not so far off, I saw Tia and her mother and I ran to her, for she was all that was left of my life as it had been. We had eaten the same food, slept side by side, bathed in the same river. As I ran, I thought, I will live with Tia and I will be like her. Not to leave Coulibri. Not to go. Not. When I was close I saw the jagged stone in her hand but I did not see her throw it. I did not feel it either, only something wet, running down my face. I looked at her and I saw her face crumple up as she began to cry. We stared at each other, blood on my face, tears on hers. It was as if I saw myself. Like in a looking-glass.
******
‘I saw my plait, tied with red ribbon, when I got up,’ I said. ‘In the chest of drawers. I thought it was a snake.’
‘Your hair had to be cut. You’ve been very ill, my darling,’ said Aunt Cora. ‘But you are safe with me now. We are all safe as I told you we would be. You must stay in bed though. Why are you wandering about the room? Your hair will grow again,’ she said. ‘Longer and thicker.’
‘But darker,’ I said.
‘Why not darker?’
She picked me up and I was glad to feel the soft mattress and glad to be covered with a cool sheet.
‘It’s time for your arrowroot,’ she said and went out. When that was finished she took the cup away and stood looking down at me.
‘I got up because I wanted to know where I was.’
‘And you do know, don’t you?’ she said in an anxious voice.
‘Of course. But how did I get to your house?’
‘The Luttrells were very good. As soon as Mannie got to Nelson’s Rest they sent a hammock and four men. You were shaken about a good deal though. But they did their best. Young Luttrell rode alongside you all the way. Wasn’t that kind?’
‘Yes,’ I said. She looked thin and old and her hair wasn’t arranged prettily so I shut my eyes, not wanting to see her.
‘Pierre is dead, isn’t he?’
‘He died on the way down, the poor little boy,’ she said.
‘He died before that,’ I thought but was too tired to speak.
‘You mother is in the country. Resting. Getting well again. You will see her quite soon.’
‘I didn’t know,’ I said. ‘Why did she go away?’
‘You’ve been very ill for nearly six weeks. You didn’t know anything.’
What was the use of telling her that I’d been awake before and heard my mother screaming ‘Qui est là? Qui est là?’, then ‘Don’t touch me. I’ll kill you if you touch me. Coward. Hypocrite. I’ll kill you.’ I’d put my hands over my ears, her screams were so loud and terrible. I slept and when I woke up everything was quiet.
Still Aunt Cora stayed by my bed looking at me.
‘My head is bandaged up. It’s so hot,’ I said. ‘Will I have a mark on my forehead?’
‘No, no.’ She smiled for the first time. That is healing very nicely. It won’t spoil you on your wedding day,’ she said.
She bent down and kissed me. ‘Is there anything you want? A cool drink to sip?’
‘No, not a drink. Sing to me. I like that.’
She began in a shaky voice.
‘Every night at half past eight
Comes tap tap tapping –’
‘Not that one. I don’t like that one. Sing Before I was set free.’
She sat near me and sang very softly, ‘Before I was set free.’ I heard as far as ‘The sorrow that my heart feels for –’ I didn’t hear the end but I heard that before I slept, ‘The sorrow that my heart feels for.’
I was going to see my mother. I had insisted that Christophine must be with me, no one else, and as I was not yet quite well they had given way. I remember the dull feeling as we drove along for I did not expect to see her. She was part of Coulibri, that had gone, so she had gone, I was certain of it. But when we reached the tidy pretty little house where she lived now (they said) I jumped out of the carriage and ran as fast as I could across the lawn. One door was open on the veranda. I went in without knocking and stared at the people in the room. A coloured man, a coloured woman, and a white woman sitting with her head bent so low that I couldn