The Rainbow - D. H. Lawrence [111]
"I know what you want," she said.
"I know what I want," he said. "What's the odds?"
"Well, you're not going to have it off me."
"Aren't I? Well, then I'm not. It's no use crying about it, is it?"
"No, it isn't," said the girl, rather disconcerted by his irony.
"But there's no need to have a row about it. We can kiss good night just the same, can't we?"
She was silent in the darkness.
"Or do you want your hat and umbrella to go home this minute?"
Still she was silent. He watched her dark figure as she stood there on the edge of the faint darkness, and he waited.
"Come and say good night nicely, if we're going to say it," he said.
Still she did not stir. He put his hand out and drew her into the darkness again.
"It's warmer in here," he said; "a lot cosier."
His will had not yet relaxed from her. The moment of hatred exhilarated him.
"I'm going now," she muttered, as he closed his hand over her.
"See how well you fit your place," he said, as he drew her to her previous position, close upon him. "What do you want to leave it for?"
And gradually the intoxication invaded him again, the zest came back. After all, why should he not take her?
But she did not yield to him entirely.
"Are you a married man?" she asked at length.
"What if I am?" he said.
She did not answer.
"I don't ask you whether you're married or not," he said.
"You know jolly well I'm not," she answered hotly. Oh, if she could only break away from him, if only she need not yield to him.
At length her will became cold against him. She had escaped. But she hated him for her escape more than for her danger. Did he despise her so coldly? And she was in torture of adherence to him still.
"Shall I see you next week—next Saturday?" he said, as they returned to the town. She did not answer.
"Come to the Empire with me—you and Gertie," he said.
"I should look well, going with a married man," she said.
"I'm no less of a man for being married, am I?" he said.
"Oh, it's a different matter altogether with a married man," she said, in a ready-made speech that showed her chagrin.
"How's that?" he asked.
But she would not enlighten him. Yet she promised, without promising, to be at the meeting-place next Saturday evening.
So he left her. He did not know her name. He caught a train and went home.
It was the last train, he was very late. He was not home till midnight. But he was quite indifferent. He had no real relation with his home, not this man which he now was. Anna was sitting up for him. She saw the queer, absolved look on his face, a sort of latent, almost sinister smile, as if he were absolved from his "good" ties.
"Where have you been?" she asked, puzzled, interested.
"To the Empire."
"Who with?"
"By myself. I came home with Tom Cooper."
She looked at him, and wondered what he had been doing She was indifferent as to whether he lied or not.
"You have come home very strange," she said. And there was an appreciative inflexion in the speech.
He was not affected. As for his humble, good self, he was absolved from it. He sat down and ate heartily. He was not tired. He seemed to take no notice of her.
For Anna the moment was critical. She kept herself aloof, and watched him. He talked to her, but with a little indifference, since he was scarcely aware of her. So, then she did not affect him. Here was a new turn of affairs! He was rather attractive, nevertheless. She liked him better than the ordinary mute, half-effaced, half-subdued man she usually knew him to be. So, he was blossoming out into his real self! It piqued her. Very good, let him blossom! She liked a new turn of affairs. He was a strange man come home to her. Glancing at him, she saw she could not reduce him to what he had been before. In an instant she gave it up. Yet not without a pang of rage, which would insist on their old, beloved love, their old, accustomed intimacy and her old, established supremacy. She almost rose up to fight for them. And looking at him, and remembering his father, she was wary. This was the new turn of affairs!
Very good, if she could not influence him in the old way, she would be level with him in the new. Her old defiant hostility came up. Very good, she too was out on her own adventure. Her voice, her manner changed, she was ready for the game. Something was liberated in her. She liked him. She liked this strange man come home to her. He was very welcome, indeed! She was very glad to welcome a stranger. She had been bored by the old husband. To his latent, cruel smile she replied with brilliant challenge. He expected her to keep the moral fortress. Not she! It was much too dull a part. She challenged him back with a sort of radiance, very bright and free, opposite to him. He looked at her, and his eyes glinted. She too was out in the field.