The Naked and the Dead - Norman Mailer [327]
Aaah, fug the whole goddam mess. If they can't feed a man, then fug 'em, fug 'em all. He was trembling so badly he had to sit down and rest.
He had to face the truth. The Army had licked him. He had always gone along believing that if they pushed him around too much he would do something when the time came. And now. . .
He had talked to Polack yesterday, and they had both hinted about Hearn, both let it lay. He knew what he could do, and if he skipped out on it he was yellow. Martinez wanted them to go back. Since he had tried to convince Croft, Martinez must know something.
By now the sun was shining brightly on their slope, and the dark-purple shadows of the mountain had lightened to lavender and blue. He squinted upward toward the peak. They still had a morning's climb ahead of them, and then what? They would drop down among the Japs and be wiped out. They could never come back over the mountain again. On an impulse he walked over to Martinez, who was fixing his pack.
Red hesitated for an instant. Nearly all the men were ready, and Croft would shout at him if he delayed. He still had to put his blanket in his pack.
Aaah, fug him, Red thought again, ashamed and angry.
Before Martinez he paused, uncertain what to say. "How you doin', Japbait?"
"Okay."
"You and Croft couldn't work it out for a little while, huh?"
"Nothing the matter." Martinez averted his eyes.
Red lit a cigarette, disgusted with what he was doing. "Japbait, you're kind of chicken. You want to quit and you ain't even got the guts to say so."
Martinez made no answer.
"Listen, Japbait, we been around quite a while, we know what the hell the fuggin score is. You think it's gonna be fun goin' up that hill today? We're gonna have a coupla more men droppin' off on one of those ledges, maybe you, maybe me."
"Leave me alone," Martinez muttered.
"Let's face it, Japbait, even if we do get over, we'll just get a leg or an arm blown off on the other side. You want to stop a slug?" Even as he argued Red was bothered by a sense of shame. There was another way to do this.
"You want to be a cripple?"
Martinez shook his head.
The arguments filed naturally into Red's mind. "You killed that Jap, didn't ya? Did ya ever know that brings your number a little closer?"
This was a powerful point to Martinez. "I don't know, Red."
"You killed that Jap, but did you say a goddam thing about it?"
"Yah."
"Hearn knew about it, huh, he walked into that pass knowing there was Japs?"
"Yah." Martinez began to shake. "I tell him, I try tell him, big damn fool."
"Balls."
"No."
Red was not completely certain. He paused, took another tack. "You know that sword I got with the jewels back at Motome? If you want, you can have it."
"Oh." The beauty of the sword shone in Martinez's eyes. "Free?"
"Yeah."
Croft shouted suddenly. "Come on, men, let's move out."
Red turned around. His heart was churning and he massaged his hands slowly against his thigh. "We ain't goin', Croft."
Croft strode toward him. "Made up your mind, Red?"
"If you want to do it so fuggin much, you can do it alone. Japbait'll take us back."
Croft stared at Martinez. "Changed your mind again?" he asked softly. "What are ya, a goddam woman?"
Martinez shook his head slowly. "I don't know, I don't know." His face began to work and he turned away.
"Red, get your pack ready and cut out this shit." It had been wrong to talk to Martinez. Red saw it clearly. It had been disgusting, as though he had been arguing with a child. He had been taking the easy way and it wouldn't work. He would have to face Croft. "If I go up that hill, you'll be draggin' me."
Some of the men in the platoon were muttering. "Let's go back," Polack yelled, and Minetta and Gallagher joined him.
Croft stared at them all, and then unslung his rifle, cocked the bolt leisurely. "Red, you can go get your pack."
"Yeah, you would do somethin' when I ain't got a gun."
"Red, just get your pack and shut up."
"It ain't me alone. You gonna shoot all of us?"
Croft turned and gazed at the others. "Who wants to get lined up with Red?" None of them moved. Red watched, hoping numbly that one of them might pick up a rifle. Croft had turned away from him. Now was the time. He could leap at him, knock him down and the others would help out. If one man would move, they all would.