The Magus - John Fowles [59]
�oudspeaker; but we sat and stood in a strange cocoon of remoteness from even the nearest outside things. "I came to Athens knowing I ought not to meet you. I did my damnedest that first evening and yesterday to prove to myself that I don't have any special feeling for you any more. But it didn't work. That's why I talked. So ineptly. So at the wrong time." She gave no sign of listening; I produced my trump. "Talked when I could have kept quiet. Could still be deceiving you." "I'm not the one who's deceived." "Look --" "And what the hell does 'special feeling' mean?" I was silent. "Christ, you're not just afraid of the _thing_ love. You're even afraid of using the bloody word now." "I don't know what love is." She spun round. "Well let me tell you. Love isn't just what I said it was in that letter. Not turning back to look. Love is pretending to go to work but going to Victoria. To give you one last surprise, one last kiss, one last... it doesn't matter, I saw you buying magazines. That morning I couldn't have laughed with anyone in the world. And yet you laughed. You fucking well stood with a porter and laughed about something. That's when I found out what love was. Seeing the one person you want to live with happy to have escaped from you." "But why didn't you --" "You know what I did? I crept away. And spent the whole godawful day curled up on our bed. Not because I loved you. Because I was so mad with rage and shame that I loved you." "I wasn't to know." She turned away. "I wasn't to know. Christ!" Silence hung in the air like static electricity. "Another thing. You think love is sex. Let me tell you something. If I'd wanted you just for that, I'd have left you straight after that first night." "My apologies." She looked at me, took a breath, gave a bitter little smile. "Oh God, now he's hurt. I'm trying to tell you that I loved you for you. Not for your blasted prick." She stared back out into the night. "Of course you're all right in bed. But you're not the..." she couldn't find the words. "Best you've had." "If that was what mattered." "One lives and learns." I bent forward and stared at the ground. To avoid her eyes. She came to the end of the bed and leant against it, looking down at me. "I think you're so blind you probably don't even know you don't love me. You don't even know you're a filthy selfish bastard who can't, can't like being impotent, can't ever think of anything except number one. Because nothing can hurt you, Nicko. Deep down, where it counts. You've built your life so that nothing can ever reach you. So whatever you do you can say, I couldn't help it. You can't lose. You can always have your next adventure. Your next bloody affaire." "You always twist --" "Twist! Holy Jesus, don't you talk of twisting. You can't even tell a simple fact straight." I looked round at her. "Meaning?" "All that mystery balls. You think I fall for that? There's some girl on your island and you want to lay her. That's all. But of course that's nasty, that's crude. So you tart it up. As usual. Tart it up so it makes you seem the innocent one, the great intellectual who must have his experience. Always both ways. Always cake and eat it. Always --" "I swear..." but her impatient jerk away silenced me. She walked up and down the room. I tried another excuse. "Because I don't want to marry you--or anyone--it doesn't mean I don't love you." "That reminds me. That child. You thought I didn't notice. That little girl with the boil. It made you furious. Alison showing how good she is with kids. Doing the mother act. And shall I tell you something? I was doing the mother act. Just for a moment, when she smiled, I did think that. I did think how I'd like to have your children and... have my arm round them and have you near me. Isn't that terrible? I have this filthy disgusting stinking-taste thing called love... God, syphilis is _nice_ compared to love... and I'm so depraved, so colonial, so degenerate that I actually dare show you..." "Alison." She took a shuddery breath; near tears. "I realised as soon as we met on Friday. For you I'll always be Alison who slept around. That Australian girl who had an abortion. The human boomerang. Throw her away and she'll always come back for another weekend of cheap knock." "That's a long way below the belt." She lit a cigarette. I went and stood by the window and she spoke at my back, across the bed and the room, from the door. "All that time, last autumn... I didn't realise then. I didn't realise you can get softer. I thought you went on getting harder. God only knows why, I felt closer to you than I've ever felt to any other man. God only knows why. In spite of all your smart-aleck Pommie ways. Your bloody class mania. So I never really got over your going. I tried Pete, I tried another man, but it didn't work. Always this stupid, pathetic little dream. That one day you'd write... so I went mad trying to organise these three days. Betting everything on them. Even though I could see, God how I could see you were just bored." "That's not true. I wasn't bored." "Thinking about this bit on Phraxos." "I missed you too. Hellishly, those first months." Suddenly she switched the lights on. "Turn round and look at me." I did. She was standing by the door, still in her blue jeans and the dark blue shirt; her face a grey and white mask. "I've saved some money. And you can't be exactly broke. If you say the word, I'll walk out of my job tomorrow. I'll come on your island and live with you. I said a cottage in Ireland. But I'll take a cottage on Phraxos. You can have that. The dreadful responsibility of having to live with someone who loves you." "Or?" "You can say no." "An ultimatum." "No sliding. Yes or no." "Alison, if --" "Yes or no." "You can't decide these things.. Her voice sharpened a pitch. "Yes or no." "It's moral blackmail." She came and stood on the other side of the bed; gave me a look of iron. There was nothing gentle in her voice except its volume. "Yes or no." I stared at her. She gave a tiny humourless twist of her lips and answered for me. "No." "Only because..." She ran straight to the door and opened it. I felt angry, trapped into this ridiculous either-or choice, when the reality was so much more complex. I went round the bed towards her, yanked the door away from her grip and slammed it shut again; then caught her and tried to kiss her, reaching past her at the same time to flick off the light. The room was plunged into darkness again, but she struggled wildly, jerking her head from side to side. I pulled her back towards the bed and fell with her across it, making it roll and knock both lamp and ashtray off the bedside table. I thought she would give in, she must give in, but suddenly she screamed, so loud that it must have pierced all through the hotel and echoed over on the other side of the port. "LET ME GO!" I sat back a little and she hit at me with her clubbed fists. I caught her wrists. "For God's sake." "I HATE YOU!" "Keep quiet!" I forced her on her side. There was banging on the wall. Another nerve-splitting scream. "I HATE YOU." I slapped the side of her face. She began to sob violently, twisted sideways against the bed end, fragments of words howled at me between gasps for air and tears. "Leave me alone... leave me alone... you shit... you fucking selfish..." explosion of sobs, her shoulders racked. I got up and went to the window. She began to bang the bedrail with her fists, as if she was beyond words. I hated her then: her lack of control, her hysteria. I remembered that there was a bottle of Scotch downstairs in my room--she had brought it for me as a present, the first day. "Look, I'm going to get you a drink. Now stop wailing." I hovered over her. She took no notice, went on beating the bedrail. I got to the door, hesitated, looked back, then went out. Three Greeks, a man and woman and an elder man, were standing two open doors away, staring at the door of Alison's room. They looked at me as if I were a murderer. I went downstairs, opened the bottle, swallowed a stiff shot straight out of it, then went back. The door was locked. The three spectators continued to stare; watched me try it, knock, try it again, knock, then call her name. The older man came up to me. Was anything wrong? I grimaced and muttered, "The heat." He repeated it unnecessarily back to the other two. Ah, the heat, said the woman, as if that explained everything. They did not move. I tried once more; called her name through the wooden panels. I could hear nothing. I shrugged for the benefit of the Greeks, and went back downstairs. Ten minutes later I returned; I returned four or five times more during the next hour; and always the door, to my secret relief, was shut. I had asked to be and was woken at eight, and I dressed at once and went to her room. I knocked; no answer. When I tried the handle, the door opened. The bed had been slept in, but Alison and all her belongings were gone. I ran straight down to the reception desk. A rabbity old man with spectacles, the father of the proprietor, sat behind it. He'd been in America, and spoke English quite well. "You know that girl I was with last night--has she gone out this morning?" "Oh yeah. She wen' out." "When?" He looked up at the clock. "About one hour since. She lef' this. She said give it you when you came down." An envelope. My scrawled name: N. Urfe. "She didn't say where she was going?" "Just paid her check and went." I knew by the way he was watching me that he had heard, or heard about, the screaming the evening before. "But I said I'd pay." "I said. I told her." "Damn." As I turned to go he said, "Hey, you know what they say in the States? Always plenny more fish in the sea. Know that one? Plenny more fish in the sea." I went back to my room and opened her letter. It was a scrawl, a last-moment decision not to go in silence. _Think what it would be like if you got back to your island and there was no old man, no girl any more. No mysterious fun and games. The whole placed locked up forever._ _It's finished finished _finished.__ About ten I rang up the airport. Alison had not returned, and was not due to return until her flight to London at five that afternoon. I tried again at eleven thirty, just before the boat sailed; the same answer. As the ship, which was filled with returning boys, drew out from the quay I scanned the crowds of parents and relations and idlers. I had some idea that she was there among them, watching; but if she was, she was invisible. The ugly industrial seafront of the Piraeus receded and the boat headed south for the svelte blue peak of Aegina. I went to the bar and ordered a large ouzo; it was the only place the boys were not allowed. I drank a mouthful neat, and made a sort of bitter inner toast. I had chosen my own way; the difficult, hazardous, poetic way; all on one number. Someone slipped onto the stool beside me. It was Demetriades. He clapped his hands for the barman. "Buy me a drink, you perverted Englishman. And I will tell you how I spent a most amusing weekend."