The Death of the Heart - Elizabeth Bowen [49]
"Why not?"
"I just don't like the idea. No, just write about what happens. Write about lessons, and those sickening talks I'm certain you have with Lilian, and what there is for meals, and what the rest of them say. But swear you won't write down what you feel."
"You don't know yet if I do."
"I hate writing; I hate art—there's always something else there. I won't have you choosing words about me. If you ever start that, your diary will become a horrible trap, and I shan't feel safe with you any more. I like you to think, in a sort of way; I like to think of you going, like a watch. But between you and me there must never be any thoughts. And I detest after-thoughts. In fact, I'm just as glad to be taking this book right away from you, even for a few days. Now, I suppose, you don't understand what I'm saying?"
"No, but it doesn't really matter."
"The chap you ought to talk to is Major Brutt.... Oh, heavens!"
"Why?"
"It's six. I ought to be somewhere else. I must go—Here, angel, take your gloves.... Now, what's the matter?"
"You won't forget it's in your overcoat pocket?"
IX
THE DIARY
Monday.
This diary has come back from Eddie by post. He did not write any letter as he did not have time. The parcel had the office label outside. I shall have to write hard now, as I will have missed nine days.
The white rug from by my bed has gone away to be cleaned where I upset the varnish for my bears. Matchett has put a red one that pricks my feet.
Today we did Umbrian Art History, Book Keeping and German Composition.
Tuesday.
Eddie has not said about this diary yet. Lilian was bilious in lessons and had to go out, she says when she has feelings it makes her bilious. Today when I got home Anna was out, so I could have tea down with Matchett. She was busy mending Anna's purple chiffon dress so did not ask me anything at all. When Anna came in she sent for me to come up and said she meant to take me to a concert this evening as she had a spare ticket. She looked put out.
Today we did English Essay, First Aid, and a Lecture on Racine. I must dress for the concert now.
Wednesday.
Eddie has not said about the diary yet. This morning Lilian and I were late for the first class, her mother is putting her on a diet. Last night when I was in the taxi with Anna she said she hoped I had enjoyed Eddie's and my walk. I said yes, and she said, Eddie says he did. So I looked out of the window. She said she had a headache, and I said then didn't the concert make it worse, and she said yes, naturally it did. It was a disappointment having to take me.
Today we did Hygiene and French Composition about Racine, and were taken to look at pictures of Umbrian Art at the National Gallery.
Tonight Thomas and Anna are going out to dinner. I do wonder if Matchett will say Good-night. I do wish my white rug would come back.
Thursday.
Today I have got a letter from Eddie, he still does not say about this diary. He says he had lunch with Anna and that she was nice. He says he did think of ringing me up, but did not. He does not say why. He says he feels he is starting a new life.
I do wonder who it was who did not go to that concert with Anna after all.
He says we must meet soon.
Today we did essays on our favourite Umbrian Art, and had to say what its characteristics were. We did Heine and were given our German Compositions back. We had a Lecture on Events of the Week.
Friday.
I have written to Eddie but not about this diary.
I wrote to Eddie at half-past four, when I got in, then went out again to buy a stamp to post it. Matchett did not hear the door either time, or at least she did not come up. Having tea with Anna were two new people who did not know if they ought to talk to me. Anna did not make any special impression on them, and they did not make any special impression on her. I did not stay there when I had had my tea.
It felt funny to come in twice, because once I am in 1 am generally in. When I came in after buying the stamp I felt still odder than I generally do, and the house was still more like always than usual. It always gets more so in the afternoon. When Thomas comes in he looks as though he was smelling something he thought he might not be let eat. This house makes a smell of feeling. Since I have known Eddie I ask myself what this smell is more.