The Death of the Heart - Elizabeth Bowen [14]
St. Quentin could be heard saying goodbye to Anna, outside in the hall. Thomas quickly picked up the Evening Standard and played at reading it. Portia pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes, got quickly up and went to turn over books at a far table, so that she could keep her back to the room. The table toppled with books that had no place: Anna wanted this room to look cheerfully casual, Thomas made it formlessly untidy. When St. Quentin had slammed the hall door on his own last remark, Anna came smiling into the study. Thomas seemed to wait while he counted three, then he looked at her over the Evening Standard.
"Well, darling," said Anna, "poor St. Quentin has gone."
"I hope you didn't turn him out?"
"Oh no," said Anna vaguely, "he just shot out in his usual way." She found Thomas's glass on the floor, and said: "Have you and Portia been having a drink?"
"No, that's only mine."
"How I wish you'd put them on the table." She raised her voice: "Oh, Portia, I hate to worry, but if they have given you any homework, don't you think you ought to do it now? We might all go to a movie later on."
"I've got an essay to write."
"My dear, you sound very snuffly. Did you catch cold today?"
Portia turned, at the table, and faced Anna—who stopped, though with something further on the tip of her tongue. Lips drawn in, clutching her belt, Portia, with stricken determination, walked straight past Anna out at the study door. Anna went to the door to make sure it was shut, then exclaimed: "Thomas, you've been making her cry."
"Oh, was she? I think she's missing her mother."
"Goodness!" said Anna, stricken. "But what started her off? Why is she missing her mother now}"
"You say I have no idea what people feel—how can I know when they are going to?"
"In some way, you must have unsettled her."
Thomas, who had been looking hard at Anna, said: "If it comes to that, you unsettle me."
"No, but listen," said Anna, catching hold of his hand but holding it at a distance away from her, "is she really missing Irene? Because, if so, how awful! It's like having someone very ill in the house. Oh yes, I can easily pity her. I wish I could manage to like her better."
"Or love her, even."
"My dear Thomas, that's not a thing one can mean to do. Besides, would you really like me to love her? To get wrapped up in her, to wait for her to come in? No, you'd only like me to seem to love her. But I'm not good at seeming—I was horrid to her at tea. But I had my reasons, I must say."
"You don't have to remind me that you don't like this."
"After all, she's in some way yours, and I married you, didn't I? Most people have something in their family. For God's sake don't get worked up."
"Did I hear you say we'd got to go to a movie?"
"Yes, you did."
"Why—now, Anna, why? We haven't stayed still for weeks."
Anna, touching her pearls with an undecided hand, said: "We can't all just sit around."
"I don't see why not." "We can't all three sit around. It gets me down. You don't seem to know what it's like."
"But she goes to bed at ten."
"Well, it never is ten, as you know. I cannot stand being watched. She watches us."
"I cannot see why she should."
"I partly see. Anyhow, she makes us not alone."
"We could be tonight," said Thomas. "I mean after ten." With an attempt at calmness, he once more put his hand out—but she, one mass of nervosity, stepped clear. She posted herself at the far side of the fire, in her close-fitting black dress, with her folded arms locked, wrapped up in tense thoughts. For those minutes of silence, Thomas fixed on her his considering eyes. Then he got up, took her by one elbow and angrily kissed her. "I'm never with you," he said.
"Well, look how we live."
"The way we live is hopeless."
Anna said, much more kindly: "Darling, don't be neurotic. I have had such a day."
He left her and looked round for his glass again. Meanwhile, he said to himself in a quoting voice: "We are minor in everything but our passions."
"Wherever did you read that?"
"Nowhere: I woke up and heard myself saying it, one night."
"How pompous you were in the night. I'm so glad I was asleep."