Scoop-Evelyn-Waugh [30]
It is categorically denied that there is any Russian diplomatic representative accredited to the Republic of Ishmaelia, Nor is there any truth in the report, spread by subversive interests, that a Russian national of any description whatever arrived in Jacksonburg last Saturday. The train was occupied exclusively by representatives of the foreign press and an employee of the Railway. GABRIEL BENITO Minister of Foreign Affairs and Propaganda
The press acted in unison and Shumble's scoop died at birth. William sent his first press message from Ishmaelia � ALL ROT ABOUT BOLSHEVIK HE IS ONLY TICKET COLLECTOR ASS CALLED SHUMBLE THOUGHT HIS BEARD FALSE BUT ITS PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT REALLY WILL CABLE AGAIN IF THERE IS ANY NEWS VERY WET HERE YOURS WILLIAM BOOT � and went out to dinner with the British Vice-Consul.
Jack Bannister, known at the age of ten as "Moke," inhabited a little villa in the Legation compound. He and William dined alone at a candle-lit table. Two silent boys, in white gowns, waited on them. Bannister's pet � but far from tame � cheetah purred beside the log fire. There were snipe, lately bagged by the first secretary. They drank some sherry, and some Burgundy and some port, and, to celebrate William's arrival, a good deal more port. Then they settled themselves in easy chairs and drank brandy. They talked about school and the birds and beasts of Ishmaelia. Bannister showed his collection of skins and eggs. They talked about Ishmaelia. "No one knows if it's got any minerals because no one's been to see. The map's a complete joke," Bannister explained. "The country has never been surveyed at all; half of it's unexplored. Why, look here �" He took down a map from his shelves and opened it. "See this place, Laku. It's marked as a town of some five thousand inhabitants, fifty miles north of Jacksonburg. Well, there never has been such a place. Laku is the Ishmaelite for 'I don't know.' When the boundary commission were trying to get through to the Soudan in 1898, they made a camp there and asked one of their boys the name of the hill, so as to record it in their log. He said 'Laku,' and they've copied it from map to map ever since. President Jackson likes the country to look important in the atlases, so when this edition was printed he had Laku marked good and large. The French once appointed a Consul to Laku when they were getting active in this part of the world." Finally they touched on politics. "I can't think why all you people are coming out here," said Bannister plaintively. "You've no idea how it adds to my work. The Minister doesn't like it either. The F.O. (Foreign Office) are worrying the life out of him." "But isn't there going to be a war?" "Well, we usually have a bit of scrapping after the rains. There's a lot of bad men in the hills. Gollancz usually shoots up a few when he goes out after the taxes." "Is that all?" "Wish we knew. There's something rather odd going on. Our information is simply that Smiles had a row with the Jacksons round about Christmas time and took to the hills. That's what everyone does out here when he gets in wrong with the Jacksons. We thought no more about it. The next thing we hear is from Europe that half a dozen bogus consulates have been set up and that Smiles has declared a Nationalist Government. Well that doesn't make much sense. There never has been any Government in Ishmaelia outside Jacksonburg, and, as you see, everything is dead quiet here. But Smiles is certainly getting money from someone and arms too I expect. What's more we aren't very happy about the President. Six months ago he was eating out of our hand. Now he's getting quite standoffish. There's a concession to a British Company to build the new coast road. It was all settled but for the signing last November. Now the Ministry of Works is jibbing and they say that the President is behind them. I can't say I like the look of things, and having all you journalists about doesn't make it any easier." "We've been busy all day with a lunatic report about a Russian agent who had come to take charge of the Government." "Oh," said Bannister with sudden interest. "They've got hold of that, have they? What was the story exactly?" William told him. "Yes, they've got it pretty mixed." "D'you mean to say there's any truth in it?" Bannister looked diplomatic for a minute and then said, "Well, I don't see any harm in your knowing. In fact, from what the Minister said to me today, I rather think he'd welcome a little publicity on the subject. There is a Russian here, name of Smerdyakev, a Jew straight from Moscow. He didn't come disguised as a ticket collector of course. He's been here some time