Native Son - Richard Wright [36]
There was silence. The car sped through the Black Belt, past tall buildings holding black life. Bigger knew that they were thinking of his life and the life of his people. Suddenly he wanted to seize some heavy object in his hand and grip it with all the strength of his body and in some strange way rise up and stand in naked space above the speeding car and with one final blow blot it out—with himself and them in it. His heart was beating fast and he struggled to control his breath. This thing was getting the better of him; he felt that he should not give way to his feelings like this. But he could not help it. Why didn’t they leave him alone? What had he done to them? What good could they get out of sitting here making him feel so miserable?
“Tell me where it is, Bigger,” Jan said.
“Yessuh.”
Bigger looked out and saw that they were at Forty-sixth Street.
“It’s at the end of the next block, suh.”
“Can I park along here somewhere?”
“Oh; yessuh.”
“Bigger, please! Don’t say sir to me…. I don’t like it. You’re a man just like I am; I’m no better than you. Maybe other white men like it. But I don’t. Look, Bigger….”
“Yes….” Bigger paused, swallowed, and looked down at his black hands. “O.K.,” he mumbled, hoping that they did not hear the choke in his voice.
“You see, Bigger….” Jan began.
Mary reached her hand round back of Bigger and touched Jan’s shoulder.
“Let’s get out,” she said hurriedly.
Jan pulled the car to the curb and opened the door and stepped out. Bigger slipped behind the steering wheel again, glad to have room at last for his arms and legs. Mary got out of the other door. Now, he could get some rest. So intensely taken up was he with his own immediate sensations, that he did not look up until he felt something strange in the long silence. When he did look he saw, in a split second of time, Mary turn her eyes away from his face. She was looking at Jan and Jan was looking at her. There was no mistaking the meaning of the look in their eyes. To Bigger it was plainly a bewildered and questioning look, a look that asked: What on earth is wrong with him? Bigger’s teeth clamped tight and he stared straight before him.
“Aren’t you coming with us, Bigger?” Mary asked in a sweet tone that made him want to leap at her.
The people in Ernie’s Kitchen Shack knew him and he did not want them to see him with these white people. He knew that if he went in they would ask one another: Who’re them white folks Bigger’s hanging around with?
“I—I…. I don’t want to go in….” he whispered breathlessly.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Jan asked.
“Naw; I ain’t hungry.”
Jan and Mary came close to the car.
“Come and sit with us anyhow,” Jan said.
“I…. I….” Bigger stammered.
“It’ll be all right,” Mary said.
“I can stay here. Somebody has to watch the car,” he said.
“Oh, to hell with the car!” Mary said. “Come on in.”
“I don’t want to eat,” Bigger said stubbornly.
“Well,” Jan sighed. “If that’s the way you feel about it, we won’t go in.”
Bigger felt trapped. Oh, Goddamn! He saw in a flash that he could have made all of this very easy if he had simply acted from the beginning as if they were doing nothing unusual. But he did not understand them; he distrusted them, really hated them. He was puzzled as to why they were treating him this way. But, after all, this was his job and it was just as painful to sit here and let them stare at him as it was to go in.
“O.K.,” he mumbled angrily.
He got out and slammed the door. Mary came close to him and caught his arm. He stared at her in a long silence; it was the first time he had ever looked directly at her, and he was able to do so only because he was angry.
“Bigger,” she said, “you don’t have to come in unless you really want to. Please, don’t think…. Oh, Bigger…. We’re not trying to make you feel badly….”
Her voice stopped. In the dim light of the street lamp Bigger saw her eyes cloud and her lips tremble. She swayed against the car He stepped backward, as though she were contaminated with an invisible contagion. Jan slipped his arm about her waist, supporting her. Bigger heard her sob softly. Good God! He had a wild impulse to turn around and walk away. He felt ensnared in a tangle of deep shadows, shadows as black as the night that stretched above his head. The way he had acted had made her cry, and yet the way she had acted had made him feel that he had to act as he had toward her. In his relations with her he felt that he was riding a seesaw; never were they on a common level; either he or she was up in the air. Mary dried her eyes and Jan whispered something to her. Bigger wondered what he could say to his mother, or the relief, or Mr. Dalton, if he left them. They would be sure to ask why he had walked off his job, and he would not be able to tell.