I, Claudius - Robert Graves [175]
The Jews were the most excited. They somehow felt themselves peculiarly concerned. I suppose that this was because I once visited their city Jerusalem with my father and gave my first divine manifestation there." He paused.
"It would greatly interest me to know about that," I said.
"Oh, it was nothing much. Just for a joke I went into a house where some of their priests and doctors were talking theology together and suddenly shouted out: 'You're a lot of ignorant old frauds. You know nothing at all about it.'
That caused a great sensation and one old white-bearded man said: 'Oh? And who are you. Child? Are you the prophesied one?’ ‘Yes,' I answered boldly. He said, weeping for rapture: ‘Then teach us!' I answered: 'Certainly not! It's beneath my dignity,' and ran out again. You should have seen their faces! No, Livia was a clever and capable woman in her way—a female Ulysses, as I called her once to her face—and one day perhaps I shall deify her as I promised, but there's no hurry about that. She will never make an important deity. Perhaps we'll make her the patron goddess of clerks and accountants, because she had a good head for figures. Yes, and we'll add poisoners, as Mercury has thieves under his protection as well as merchants and travellers."
"That's only justice," I said. "But what I am anxious to know at once is this: in what name am I to adore you? Is it incorrect, for instance, to call you Jove? Aren't you someone greater than Jove?"
He said: "Oh, greater than Jove, certainly, but anonymous as yet. For the moment, I think though, I'll call myself Jove—the Latin Jove to distinguish myself from that Greek fellow. I'll have to settle with him one of these days.
He's had his own way too long."
I asked: "How does it happen that your father wasn't a God too? I never heard of a God without a divine father."
"That's simple. The God Augustus was my father."
"But he never adopted you, did he? He only adopted your elder brothers and left you to carry on your father's line."
"I don't mean that he was my father by adoption, I mean that I am his son by his incest with Julia. I must be.
That's the only possible solution. I'm certainly no son of Agrippina: her father was a nobody. It's ridiculous."
I was not such a fool as to point out that in this case Germanicus wasn't his father and therefore his sisters were only his nieces. I humoured him as Drusilla advised and said: "This is the most glorious hour of my life. Allow me to retire and sacrifice to you at once, with my remaining strength. The divine air you exhale is too strong for my mortal nostrils. I am nearly fainting," The room was dreadfully stuffy. Caligula hadn't allowed the windows to be opened ever since he took to his bed.
He said: "Go in peace. I thought of killing you, but I won't now. Tell the Scouts about my being a God and about my face shining, but don't tell them any more. I impose holy silence on you for the rest."
I grovelled on the floor again and retired, backwards.
Ganymede stopped me in the corridor and asked for the news. I said: "He's just become a God and a very important one, he says. His face shines."
"That's bad news for us mortals," said Ganymede. "But I saw it coming. Thanks for the tip, I'll pass it on to the other fellows. Does Drusilla know? No? Then I’ll tell her."
"Tell her that she's a Goddess too," I said, "in case she hasn't noticed it."
I went back to my room and thought to myself, "This has happened for the best. Everyone will soon see that he's mad, and lock him up. And there are no other descendants of Augustus left now of an age to become Emperor, except Ganymede, and he's not got the popularity or the necessary force of character. The Republic will be restored. Caligula's father-in-law is the man for that. He has the most influence of any man in the Senate. I'll back him up. If only we could get rid of Macro, and have a decent commander of the Guards in his place everything would be easy. The Guards are the greatest obstacle. They know very well that they'd never get bounties of fifty and a hundred gold pieces a man voted them by a Republican Senate. Yes, it was Sejanus' idea of turning them into a sort of private army for my uncle Tiberius that gave monarchy its oriental absoluteness. We ought to break up the Camp and billet the men in private houses again as we used to do."