I, Claudius - Robert Graves [140]
She came towards me and said slowly: "What are you doing in my bedroom?"
I explained myself as well as I could, and said that it was a bad joke of Plautius', sending me into her room without telling me that she was there. I had the greatest respect for her, I said, and apologised sincerely for my intrusion and would leave her at once and sleep on a couch in the Baths.
"No, my dear, now you're here you stay. It isn't often that I have the pleasure of my husband's company. Please understand that once you're here you can't escape. Get into bed and go to sleep and I'll join you later. I'm going to read a book until I feel sleepy. I've not been able to sleep properly for nights."
"I am very sorry if I woke you up just now..."
"Get into bed."
"I am very sorry indeed about Numantina's divorce. I knew nothing about it until the freedman told me a moment ago."
"Get into bed and stop talking."
"Good night, Urgulanilla. I am really very..."
"Shut up." She came over and drew the curtain.
Although I was dead tired and could hardly keep my eyes open I did my best to stay awake. I was convinced that Urgulanilla would wait until I went to sleep and then strangle me. Meanwhile she was reading to herself very slowly from a very dull book, a Greek love-story of the most idiotic sort, rustling the pages and spelling out each syllable slowly to herself in a hoarse whisper: "O schol-ar," she said, "you have tasted now both honey and ga-ll. Be care-ful that the sweet-ness of your pleas-ure does not turn to-morr-ow in-to the bit-ter-ness of re-pent-ance!"
"Pshaw," I returned, "My sweet-heart, I am read-y, if you give me an-oth-er kiss like that last one, to be roasted up-on a slow fire like a-ny chick-en or duckling."
She chuckled at this and then said aloud, "Go to sleep, husband. I'm waiting until I hear you snore."
I protested, "Then you shouldn't read such exciting stories."
I heard Plautius go to bed after a time. "O Heavens," I thought. "He'll be asleep in a few minutes and with two doors between us he won't hear my cries when Urgulanilla throttles me." Urgulanilla stopped reading and I had no muttering and crackling of paper to help me fight against sleepiness. I felt myself falling asleep. I was asleep. I knew that I was asleep and I simply must wake up. I struggled frantically to be awake. At last I was awake. There was a thud and a rustle of paper. The book had blown off the table on to the floor. The lamp had gone out; I was aware of a strong draught in the room. The door must be open. I listened attentively for about three minutes.
Urgulanilla was certainly not in the room.
As I was trying to make up my mind what to do I heard the most dreadful shriek ring out—from quite close it seemed. A woman screamed, "Spare me! Spare me! This is Numantina's doing! O! O!" Then came the bump of a heavy metal object falling, then the crash of splintering glass, another shriek, a distant thud, then hurried footsteps across the corridor. Somebody was in my room again.
The door was softly closed and barred. I recognised Urgulanilla's panting breath. I heard her clothes being taken off and laid on a chair, and soon she was lying beside me. I pretended to be asleep. She groped for my throat in the dark.
I said, as if half-waking: "Don't do that, darling. It tickles.
And I've got to go to Rome tomorrow to buy some cosmetics for you." Then in a more wakeful voice: "O Urgulanilla! Is that you? What's all that noise? What's the time?
Have we been asleep long?"
She said, "I don't know. I must have been asleep about three hours. It's just before dawn. It sounds as though something dreadful has happened. Let's go and see."
So we got up and put on our clothes in a hurry and unlocked the door. Plautius, naked except for a coverlet hastily wrapped round him, stood in the middle of an excited crowd armed with torches. He was quite distracted and kept saying, "I didn't do it. I was asleep. I felt her torn from my arms and heard her borne through the air screaming for help, and then a crash of something falling and another crash as she went through the window. It was pitch dark. She called out: 'Spare mel It's Numantina's doing.'"