Go tell it on the mountain - James Baldwin [53]
Then, trembling, he got out of bed again and washed himself. It was a warning, and he knew it, and he seemed to see before him the pit dug by Satan—deep and silent, waiting for him. He thought of the dog returned to his vomit, of the man who had been cleansed, and who fell, and who was possessed by seven devils, the last state of that man being worse than his first. And he thought at last, kneeling by his cold bedside, but with the heart within him almost too sick for prayer, of Onan, who had scattered his seed on the ground rather than continue his brother’s line. Out of the house of David, the son of Abraham. And he called again on the name of Jesus; and fell asleep again.
And he dreamed that he was in a cold, high place, like a mountain. He was high, so high that he walked in mist and cloud, but before him stretched the blank ascent, the teep side of the mountain. A voice said: ‘Come higher.’ And he began to climb. After a little, clinging to the rock, he found himself with only clouds above him and mist below—and he knew that beyond the wall of mist reigned fire. His feet began to slip; pebbles and rocks began ringing beneath his feet; he looked up, trembling, in terror of death, and he cried: ‘Lord, I can’t come no higher.’ But the voice repeated after a moment, quiet and strong and impossible to deny: ‘Come on, son. Come higher.’ Then he knew that, if he would not fall to death, he must obey the voice. He began to climb again, and his feet slipped again; and when he thought that he would fall there suddenly appeared before him green, spiny leaves, and he caught on to the leaves, which hurt his hand, and the voice said again: ‘Come higher.’ And so Gabriel climbed, the wind blowing through his clothes, and his feet began to bleed, and his hand were bleeding; and still he climbed, and he felt that his back was breaking; and his legs were growing numb and they were trembling, and he could not control them; and still before him there was only cloud, and below him the roaring mist. How long he climbed in this dream of his, he did not know. Then, of a sudden, the clouds parted, the felt the sun like a crown of glory, and he was in a peaceful field.
He began to walk. Now he was wearing long, white robes. He heard singing: ‘Walked in the valley, it looked so fine, I asked my Lord was all this mine.’ But he knew that it was his. A voice said: ‘Follow me.’ And he walked, and he was again on the edge of a high place, but bathed and blessed and glorified in the blazing sun, so that he stood like God, all golden, and looked down, down, at the long race he had run, at the step side of the mountain he had climbed. And now up this mountain, in white robes, singing, the elect came. ‘Touch them not,’ the voice said, ‘my seal is on them.’ And Gabriel turned and fell on his face, and the voice said again: ‘So shall thy seed be.’ Then he awoke. Morning was at the window, and he blessed God, lying on his bed, tears running down his face, for the vision he had seen.
When he went to Deborah and told her that the Lord had led him to ask her to be his wife, his holy helpmeet, she looked at him for a moment in what seemed to be speechless terror. He had never seen such an expression on her face before. For the first time since he had known her he touched her, putting his hands on her shoulders, thinking what untender touch these shoulders had once known, and how she would be raised now in honor. And he asked: ‘You ain’t scared, is you, Sister Deborah? You ain