From Here to Eternity_ The Restored Edit - Jones, James [467]
Warden sat down on the bed edge.
“You dont look a bit different,” she smiled.
“I feel different,” Warden said.
“It was nice of them to let us come here.”
She said it sincerely, yet there was no gratitude in her, and no surprise, at the free use of a stranger’s house. It was like her smile, that same smile he had never seen in any other woman, at once so warmly loving and so very very far away.
“It was Stark who arranged it,” Warden said.
“I know,” she smiled. “The girl told me. She’s a very lovely girl.”
“Yes.”
“And she’s very much in love with Stark.”
“Yes.”
“Is he in love with her?”
“I dont know. I think so. Some. But not as much, and not in the same way, as she loves him.”
“I know,” she said quickly. “I’ve hurt him very much.”
“No. He hurt himself.”
He did not mention the six months at Bliss. He looked at it in his mind, and watched it fade away, so that he had no need to say it.
“Oh, I do hope he can fall in love with her,” Karen burst out suddenly, “the same way she loves him.”
“Maybe he will,” Warden lied.
“Oh, I hope so. He deserves it. He’s a fine person. I’d like a chance to thank him for this, before he leaves.”
“He didnt come. He had some work to do and had to go back.”
“That isnt true,” Karen said.
“No, it isnt true. He was afraid it would embarrass you.”
Moisture welled up in her eyes, as he had seen it do before, over Prewitt, and then sank back down quietly, without ever overflowing.
“He’s a fine person,” she said, “a very fine person.”
“Yes,” Warden said.
“He deserves much more than he’s had.”
“Everyone does.”
“Maybe he’ll find it with her.”
“Maybe he will,” Warden lied again. He felt a very great tenderness, such as one feels with a beautiful child, and with it the same selfish unreasonable urge to protect it from all the things it does not know yet, not because of saving it hurt, but to keep it beautiful.
“Did you have any trouble getting away?” he asked.
“No.”
“Didnt Holmes say anything at all?”
“He forbade me to come,” she said simply.
“And you came anyway?”
“Of course, darling,” she smiled. “I love you.”
For a moment Warden thought he could not stand it, not mental agony, but purely physically, physiologically, could not stand it.
“I’ve got something I have to tell you,” he said.
“Yes?”
“Its about my appointment in the Reserve Corps.”
“I already know,” Karen smiled. “Its all they have been talking about back at Schofield for the past week.”
“And you mean you’ve known it all along? When I first came in the room?”
“Yes.”
“Even when I called you?”
“Yes.”
“And still you came anyway?”
“Yes.”
“Even when Holmes forbade you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you wanted me to come. Because I wanted to come.”
“I’m not worth it,” he said. “I’m not worth it. I’m a long way from worth it.”
She put her feet down to the floor with a startling suddenness, and leaned over and put her fingers over his mouth.
“Hush,” she said. “Dont say that. I wont have you say that.”
Warden moved her hand with an urgency that was almost savage. “I couldnt help it. I couldnt do anything else. I tried, but I couldnt.”
“I know you couldnt,” she said soothingly.
“And you knew all the time,” he said inexpressively, “even when I called you.”
“I’ve known a lot longer than that. I think I’ve known for a long time. Only I just wouldnt let myself admit it. I think thats maybe why I love you, because I knew all along you couldnt.
“Maybe we only love the things we cannot have. Maybe thats all love is. Maybe its supposed to be that way.
“I’ve hated you,” she said. “I’ve hated you bitterly, at times. All love has hate in it. Because you are tied to anyone you love, and it takes away part of your freedom and you resent it, you cant help it. And while you are resenting the less of your own freedom, you are trying to force the other to give up to you every last little bit of his own. Love cant help but make hate. As long as we’re living on this earth, love will always have hate in it. Maybe thats the reason we’re on this earth, to learn to love without hating.”
She was still leaning forward toward him, her arms on the fatless so-lovely knees, her eyes shining, her hand that Warden had moved from his