Darkness at Noon - Arthur Koestler [75]
another grade stronger. "The declarations I made at that time," Rubashov said in a low voice, "were made for tactical purposes. You certainly know that a whole row of oppositional politicians were obliged to pay with such declarations for the privilege of remaining in the Party. But this time I mean it differently. ..." "That is to say, this time you are sincere?" asked Gletkin. He asked the question quickly, and his correct voice held no irony. "Yes," said Rubashov quietly. "And, before, you lied?" "Call it that," said Rubashov. "To save your neck?" "To be able to go on working." "Without a neck one cannot work.Hence, to save your neck?" "Call it that." In the short intervals between the questions shot out by Gletkin and his own answers, Rubashov heard only the scratching of the secretary's pencil and the buzzing of the lamp. The lamp gave off cascades of white light, and radiated a steady heat which forced Rubashov to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He strained to keep his smarting eyes open, but the intervals at which he opened them became longer and longer; he felt a growing sleepiness, and when Gletkin, after his last series of rapid questions, let several moments go by in silence, Rubashov, with a kind of distant interest, felt his chin sinking on to his chest. When Gletkin's next question jerked him up again, he had the impression of having slept for an indeterminable time. "I repeat," Gletkin's voice said. "Your former declarations of repentance had the object of deceiving the Party as to your true opinions, and of saving your neck." "I have already admitted that," said Rubashov. "And your public disavowal of your secretaryArlova, had that the same object?" Rubashov nodded dumbly. The pressure in his eye-sockets radiated over all the nerves in the right side of his face. He noticed that his tooth had started to throb again. "You know that Citizen Arlova had constantly called on you as the chief witness for her defence?" "I was informed of it," said Rubashov. The throbbing in his tooth became stronger. "You doubtless also know that the declaration you made at that time, which you have just described as a lie, was decisive for the passing of the death sentence on Arlova?" "I was informed of it." Rubashov had the feeling that the whole right side of his face was drawn into a cramp. His head became duller and heavier; it was with difficulty that he prevented it sinking on his breast. Gletkin's voice bored into his ear: "So it is possible that Citizen Arlova was innocent?" "It is possible," said Rubashov, with a last remainder of irony, which lay on his tongue like a taste of blood and gall. "... And was executed as a consequence of the lying declaration you made, with the object of saving your head?" "That is about it," said Rubashov. "You scoundrel," he thought with a slack, impotent rage. "Of course what you say is the naked truth. One would like to know which of us twois the greater scoundrel . But he has me by the throat and I cannot defend myself, because it is not allowed to throw oneself out of the swing. If only he would let me sleep. If he goes on tormenting me for long, I'll take everything back and refuse to speak--and then I will be done for, and he too." "... And after all that, you demand to be treated with consideration?" Gletkin's voice went on, with the same brutal correctness. "You still dare to deny criminal activities? After all that, you demand that we should believe you?" Rubashov gave up the efforts to keep his head straight. Of course Gletkin was right not to believe him. Even he himself was beginning to get lost in the labyrinth of calculated lies and dialectic pretences, in the twilight between truth and illusion. The ultimate truth alwaysreceded a step; visible remained only the penultimate lie with which one had to serve it. And what pathetic contortions and St. Vitus's dances did it compel one to! How could he convince Gletkin that this time he was really sincere, that he had arrived at the last station? Always one had to convince someone, talk,argue--while one's only wish was to sleep and