Catch-22 - Heller, Joseph [92]
‘I see everything twice!’ the soldier who saw everything twice shouted when they rolled Yossarian in.
‘I see everything twice!’ Yossarian shouted back at him just as loudly, with a secret wink.
‘The walls! The walls!’ the other soldier cried. ‘Move back the walls!’
‘The walls! The walls!’ Yossarian cried. ‘Move back the walls!’ One of the doctors pretended to shove the wall back. ‘Is that far enough?’ The soldier who saw everything twice nodded weakly and sank back on his bed. Yossarian nodded weakly too, eying his talented roommate with great humility and admiration. He knew he was in the presence of a master. His talented roommate was obviously a person to be studied and emulated. During the night, his talented roommate died, and Yossarian decided that he had followed him far enough.
‘I see everything once!’ he cried quickly.
A new group of specialists came pounding up to his bedside with their instruments to find out if it was true.
‘How many fingers do you see?’ asked the leader, holding up one.
‘One.’ The doctor held up two fingers. ‘How many fingers do you see now?’
‘One.’ The doctor held up ten fingers. ‘And how many now?’
‘One.’ The doctor turned to the other doctors with amazement. ‘He does see everything once!’ he exclaimed. ‘We made him all better.’
‘And just in time, too,’ announced the doctor with whom Yossarian next found himself alone, a tall, torpedo-shaped congenial man with an unshaven growth of brown beard and a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket that he chain-smoked insouciantly as he leaned against the wall. ‘There are some relatives here to see you. Oh, don’t worry,’ he added with a laugh. ‘Not your relatives. It’s the mother, father and brother of that chap who died. They’ve traveled all the way from New York to see a dying soldier, and you’re the handiest one we’ve got.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Yossarian asked suspiciously. ‘I’m not dying.’
‘Of course you’re dying. We’re all dying. Where the devil else do you think you’re heading?’
‘They didn’t come to see me,’ Yossarian objected. ‘They came to see their son.’
‘They’ll have to take what they can get. As far as we’re concerned, one dying boy is just as good as any other, or just as bad. To a scientist, all dying boys are equal. I have a proposition for you. You let them come in and look you over for a few minutes and I won’t tell anyone you’ve been lying about your liver symptoms.’ Yossarian drew back from him farther. ‘You know about that?’
‘Of course I do. Give us some credit.’ The doctor chuckled amiably and lit another cigarette. ‘How do you expect anyone to believe you have a liver condition if you keep squeezing the nurses’ tits every time you get a chance? You’re going to have to give up sex if you want to convince people you’ve got an ailing liver.’
‘That’s a hell of a price to pay just to keep alive. Why didn’t you turn me in if you knew I was faking?’
‘Why the devil should I?’ asked the doctor with a flicker of surprise. ‘We’re all in this business of illusion together. I’m always willing to lend a helping hand to a fellow conspirator along the road to survival if he’s willing to do the same for me. These people have come a long way, and I’d rather not disappoint them. I’m sentimental about old people.’
‘But they came to see their son.’
‘They came too late. Maybe they won’t even notice the difference.’
‘Suppose they start crying.’
‘They probably will start crying. That’s one of the reasons they came. I’ll listen outside the door and break it up if it starts getting tacky.’
‘It all sounds a bit crazy,’ Yossarian reflected. ‘What do they want to watch their son die for, anyway?’
‘I’ve never been able to figure that one out,’ the doctor admitted, ‘but they always do. Well, what do you say? All you’ve got to do is lie there a few minutes and die a little. Is that asking so much?’
‘All right,’ Yossarian gave in. ‘If it’s just for a few minutes and you promise to wait right outside.’ He warmed to his role. ‘Say, why don’t you wrap a bandage around me for effect?’
‘That sounds like a splendid idea,’ applauded the doctor.