Catch-22 - Heller, Joseph [184]
‘Here, you, stop that,’ he barked. ‘Just what do you men think you’re doing?’
‘Your toes are dirty,’ Dunbar said to him.
The man covered his groin as the first one had done and disappeared. Nately charged after him, but was blocked by the first officer, who plodded back in holding a pillow in front of him, like a bubble dancer.
‘Hey, you men!’ he roared angrily. ‘Stop it!’
‘Stop it,’ Dunbar replied.
‘That’s what I said.’
‘That’s what I said,’ Dunbar said.
The officer stamped his foot petulantly, turning weak with frustration. ‘Are you deliberately repeating everything I say?’
‘Are you deliberately repeating everything I say?’
‘I’ll thrash you.’ The man raised a fist.
‘I’ll thrash you,’ Dunbar warned him coldly. ‘You’re a German spy, and I’m going to have you shot.’
‘German spy? I’m an American colonel.’
‘You don’t look like an American colonel. You look like a fat man with a pillow in front of him. Where’s your uniform, if you’re an American colonel?’
‘You just threw it out the window.’
‘All right, men,’ Dunbar said. ‘Lock the silly bastard up. Take the silly bastard down to the station house and throw away the key.’ The colonel blanched with alarm. ‘Are you all crazy? Where’s your badge? Hey, you! Come back in here!’ But he whirled too late to stop Nately, who had glimpsed his girl sitting on the sofa in the other room and had darted through the doorway behind his back. The others poured through after him right into the midst of the other naked big shots. Hungry Joe laughed hysterically when he saw them, pointing in disbelief at one after the other and clasping his head and sides. Two with fleshy physiques advanced truculently until they spied the look of mean dislike and hostility on Dobbs and Dunbar and noticed that Dobbs was still swinging like a two-handed club the wrought-iron ash stand he had used to smash things in the sitting room. Nately was already at his girl’s side. She stared at him without recognition for a few seconds. Then she smiled faintly and let her head sink to his shoulder with her eyes closed. Nately was in ecstasy; she had never smiled at him before.
‘Filpo,’ said a calm, slender, jaded-looking man who had not even stirred from his armchair. ‘You don’t obey orders. I told you to get them out, and you’ve gone and brought them in. Can’t you see the difference?’
‘They’ve thrown our things out the window, General.’
‘Good for them. Our uniforms too? That was clever. We’ll never be able to convince anyone we’re superior without our uniforms.’
‘Let’s get their names, Lou, and—’
‘Oh, Ned, relax,’ said the slender man with practiced weariness. ‘You may be pretty good at moving armored divisions into action, but you’re almost useless in a social situation. Sooner or later we’ll get our uniforms back, and then we’ll be their superiors again. Did they really throw our uniforms out? That was a splendid tactic.’
‘They threw everything out.’
‘The ones in the closet, too?’
‘They threw the closet out, General. That was that crash we heard when we thought they were coming in to kill us.’
‘And I’ll throw you out next,’ Dunbar threatened.
The general paled slightly. ‘What the devil is he so mad about?’ he asked Yossarian.
‘He means it, too,’ Yossarian said. ‘You’d better let the girl leave.’
‘Lord, take her,’ exclaimed the general with relief. ‘All she’s done is make us feel insecure. At least she might have disliked or resented us for the hundred dollars we paid her. But she wouldn’t even do that. Your handsome young friend there seems quite attached to her. Notice the way he lets his fingers linger on the inside of her thighs as he pretends to roll up her stockings.’ Nately, caught in the act, blushed guiltily and moved more quickly through the steps of dressing her. She was sound asleep and breathed so regularly that she seemed to be snoring softly.
‘Let’s charge her now, Lou!’ urged another officer. ‘We’ve got more personnel, and we can encircle—’
‘Oh, no, Bill,’ answered the general with a sigh. ‘You may be a wizard at directing a pincer movement in good weather on level terrain against an enemy that has already committed his reserves, but you don