Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh [58]
'I hardly said anything.'
'That was it. If you were going to be any help to her, you would have said a lot. Uncle Ned is the test, you know.'
But it seemed she had not quite despaired, for a few days later I got a note from her which said: 'I shall be passing through Oxford on Tuesday and hope to see you and Sebastian. I would like to see you alone for five minutes before I see him. Is that too much to ask? I will come to your rooms at about twelve.'
She came; she admired my rooms... 'My brothers Simon and Ned were here, you know. Ned had rooms on the garden front. I wanted Sebastian to come here, too, but my husband was at Christ Church and, as you know, he took charge of Sebastian's education'; she admired my drawings...'everyone loves your paintings in the gardenroom. We shall never forgive you if you don't finish them.' Finally, she came to her point.
'I expect you've guessed already what I have come to ask. Quite simply, is Sebastian drinking too much this term?'
I had guessed; I answered: 'If he were, I shouldn't answer. As it is I can say, "No".'
She said: 'I believe you. Thank God!' and we went together to luncheon at Christ Church.
That night Sebastian had his third disaster and was found by the junior dean at one o'clock, wandering round Tom Quad hopelessly drunk.
I had left him morose but completely sober at a few minutes before twelve. In the succeeding hour he had drunk half a bottle of whisky alone. He did not remember much about it when he came to tell me next morning.
'Have you been doing that a lot,' I asked, 'drinking by yourself after I've gone?'
'About twice; perhaps four times. It's only when they start bothering me. I'd be all right if they'd only leave me alone.'
'They won't now,' I said.
'I know.'
We both knew that this was a crisis. I had no love for Sebastian that morning; he needed it, but I had none to give.
'Really,' I said, 'if you are going to embark on a solitary bout of drinking every time you see a member of your family, it's perfectly hopeless.'
'Oh, yes,' said Sebastian with great sadness. 'I know. It's hopeless.'
But my pride was stung because I had been made to look a liar and I could not respond to his need.
'Well, what do you propose to do?'
'I shan't do anything. They'll do it all.'
And I let him go without comfort.
Then the machinery began to move again, and I saw it all repeated as it had happened in December; Mr Samgrass and Mgr Bell saw the Dean of Christ Church; Brideshead came up for a night; the heavy wheels stirred and the small wheels spun. Everyone was exceedingly sorry for Lady Marchmain, whose brothers' names stood in letters of gold on the war memorial, whose brothers' memory was fresh in many breasts.
She came to see me and, again, I must reduce to a few words a conversation which took us from Holywell to the Parks, through Mesopotamia, and over the ferry to north Oxford, where she was staying the night with a houseful of nuns who were in some way under her protection.
'You must believe,' I said, 'that when I told you Sebastian was not drinking, I was telling you the truth, as I knew it.'
'I know you wish to be a good friend to him.'
'That is not what I mean. I believed what I told you. I still believe it to some extent. I believe he has been drunk two or three times before, not more.'
'It's no good, Charles,' she said. 'All you can mean is that you have not as much influence or knowledge of him as I thought. It is no good either of us trying to believe him. I've known drunkards before. One of the most terrible things about them is their deceit. Love of truth is the first thing that goes.
'After that happy luncheon together. When you left he was so sweet to me, just as he used to be as a little boy, and I agreed to all he wanted. You know I had been doubtful about his sharing rooms with you. I know you'll understand me, when I say that. You know that we are all fond of you apart from your being Sebastian's friend. We should miss you so much if you ever stopped coming to stay with us. But I want Sebastian to have all sorts of friends, not just one. Mgr Bell tells me he never mixes with the other Catholics, never goes to the Newman, very rarely goes to mass even. Heaven forbid that he should only know Catholics, but he must know some. It needs a very strong faith to stand entirely alone and Sebastian's isn't strong.