Appointment in Samarra - John O'Hara [70]
What, Maman?
See? It s all over, isn’t it? Your bad spell. Here we are, having one of our discussions about words. You and Julian. You didn’t leave any foolish notes, did you, dear?
Oh, God no. I never thought to. Mother, do you really think I came running to you with a silly five-minute quarrel?
Well, after all, you’re not upset any more, are you?
Do you really think I m not?
Yes. I do. I really think the worst of it has passed, gone. Your father and I had our quarrels, too.
When he died you said you never quarreled.
I never said that. At least, I never tried to give the impression that we didn’t have our differences. That would be untrue. All high-strung people, people in love, they always have their differences. As a matter of fact, Caroline, I ve been thinking all along, something told me there wasn’t much to this. I m nothing if not sympathetic and you know there s nothing I wouldn’t do to see you happy, but I don t want you to behave like a foolish child and do things and say things you ll be sorry for later. Divorce! Why the very idea is it s wrong, Caroline, and I don t see how you could say such things. You go on back to Julian, or stay here a while if you want to punish him, but stop this talk about divorce. Understand, I m not defending Julian, but I should think you d know how to handle him by this time. Flatter him, use your feminine wiles. You’re a pretty girl and he loves you. Believe me, Caroline, when a wife can t hold a husband and there s no other woman, the wife had better stop and see where the lack is in herself. Oh, my. It s all so much like the time your father and I had our first quarrel.
What was your first quarrel about not that this is my first, but go on, dear. Tell me. Caroline wants to know.
It wasn’t anything much. It was personal. Just between your father and I, dear.
Sex?
Caroline! Yes, it was, in a way. Is that is are you and Julian does he want you to do something you something &
If she only knew Julian, Caroline thought; if she only knew me! No, dear. Julian s always been very good about that, she said. Oftentimes men don t understand. Many girls lives are ruined, completely wrecked, because men don t understand how a nice girl feels. But let s not talk about that. I told you when you were married, I told you to take a firm stand on certain things.
You never told me what things, though.
Well, dear, a nice girl. I couldn’t very well tell you some things till the matter came up. Apparently it never did, or you d have come to me, I m sure. You’re still only a girl, though, Caroline, and if you’re having trouble that way, that sort of trouble, please come to me instead of going to some friend your own age. I think things of that sort ought to be talked over between mother and daughter, not outsiders. I finally learned how to handle your father and my experience isn’t worth a thing, not a snap of the fingers, unless I m able to help you, hand it on to you. But let s not talk about it unless you want to.
Tell me more about Father, said Caroline. No. No. That s sacred. Your father never worried me about another woman, not even before we were married. Julian, I think probably Julian not that it s anything against him, because he was quite grown up when he fell in love with you. But I don t think you were the first girl in Julian s life. I ve often thought so. That may be a good thing in some cases, but I don t know.
Mother, don t talk about it if you don t want to. I m sorry.
Conversations like this aren t good, Caroline. I d rather go on, living my poor useless life and loving your father for what he was, a good, decent man, than exhume chapters of our life together. Men are weak, darling. In the hands of a woman the strongest man in the world is weak, so don t think any the less of Julian or your father or any other man if he has a momentary weakness. ... Oh, here I am, talking away about something I don t know the first thing about. But you do feel better toward Julian, don t you? If you do, that s all that s necessary.
I m sorry if I was inconsiderate.
Oh, you weren t inconsiderate. You couldn