All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren [5]
He walked straight across the street and across the patch of grass roots and up the steps of the courthouse. Nobody else followed him up the steps. At the top he turned around, slow, to face the crowd. He simply looked at them, blinking his big eyes a little, jus as though he had just stepped out of the open doors and the dark hall of the courthouse behind him and was blinking to get his eyes adjusted to the light. He stood up there blinking, the hair down on his forehead, and the dark sweat patch showing under each arm of his Palm Beach coat. The he gave his head a twitch, and his eyes bulged wide suddenly, even if the light was hitting him full in the face, and you could see the glitter in them.
It’s coming, I thought.
You saw the eyes bulge suddenly like that, as tough something had happened inside him, and there was the glitter. You knew something had happened inside him, and thought: It’s coming. It was always that way. There was the bulge and the glitter, and there was the cold grip way down in the stomach as though somebody had laid hold of something in there, in the dark which is you, with a cold hand in a cold rubber glove. It was like the second when you come home late at night and see the yellow envelope of the telegram sticking out from under your door and you lean and pick it up, but don’t open it yet, not for a second. While you stand there in the hall, with the envelope in your hand, you feel there’s an eye on you, a great big eye looking straight at you from miles and dark and through walls and houses and through your coat and vest and hide and sees you huddled up way inside, in the dark which is you, inside yourself, like a clammy, sad little fetus you carry around inside yourself. The eye knows what’s in the envelope, and it is watching you to see you when you open it and know, too. But the clammy, sad little fetus which is you way down in the dark which is you too lifts up its sad little face and its eyes are blind, and it shivers cold inside you for it doesn’t want to know what is in that envelope. It wants to lie in the dark and not know, and be warm in its not-knowing. The end of man is knowledge, but there is one thing he can’t know. He can’t know whether knowledge will save him or kill him. He will be killed, all right, but he can’t know whether he is killed because of the knowledge which he has got or because the knowledge which he hasn’t got and which if he had it, would save him. There’s the cold in your stomach, but you open the envelope, for the end of man is to know.
The Boss stood up there quiet, with the bulge and glitter in the eyes, and there wasn’t sound in the crowd. You could hear one insane and irrelevant July fly sawing away up in one of the catalpa trees in the square. Then that sound stopped, and there wasn’t anything but the waiting. Then the Boss lounged a step forward, easy and soft-footed.
“I’m not going to make any speech,” the Boss said, and grinned. But the eyes were still big and the glitter was in them. “I didn’t come here to make any speech. I came up here to go out and see my pappy, and see if he’s got anything left in the smokehouse fit to eat. I’m gonna say: Pappy, now what about all that smoked sausage you wuz bragging about, what about all that ham you wuz bragging about all last winter, what about–” That’s what he was saying, but the voice was different, going up in his nose and coming flat with that little break they’ve got in the red hills, saying, “Pappy, now what about–”
But the glitter was still there, and I thought: Maybe it’s coming. Maybe it was not too late. You never could tell. Suddenly, it might be there, he might say it.
But he was saying, “–and so I’, not going to make any speech–” In his old voice, his own voice. Or was that his voice? Which was his true voice, which one of all the voices, you would wonder.
He was saying, “And I didn’t come here to ask you to give me anything, not even a vote. The Good Book says, ‘There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, it is enough–’ ” and the voice was different now